so last night...it was a blast! thanks rachel!...i don't think i needed that outfit to cheer me up...i needed to spend time with you! thanks!

today...i got up at like 815 cause the phone rang...grrness...then i watched cartoons and stupid shows...but it was fun...i haven't been able to just sit around and do nothing for a long time...i've been busy every saturday since school started either with work or other plans none allowing me to sleep in ever!...but today was close enough....i played Canasta online with Johanna...i totally kicked butt..6520-5600!!! that was fun cause i miss her...we don't really get to hang out since her and peter live in the cities...this was close enough....i got in the shower at 215ish i think...i took a really really long hot shower! it felt so good and relaxing!  i then did my hair...yes i actually am wearing my hair down and curled right now...nobody will probably see it though but i felt like doing it today.  Today i'm in a really good mood which is a big change from thursday night.  but like i said earlier i think its because i got to spend time with rachel which always makes me feel better!  With my hair done and my zit almost gone (YAY!) i feel really pretty today...do you ever have those days were you just feel pretty?  i do...but rarely...today is one of those days...man do i wish it was on monday...not sure what i'm doing for the rest of the day today...but perhaps it'll just be one of those relaxing days i love and that i need...

I'm so scared that the way I feel,
Is written all over my face
When you walk into the room,
I wanna find a hiding place.
We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do.
But now, a smile and a touch of your hand,
Just makes me come unglued.
Such a contridiction, do I lie or tell the truth.
Is it fact or fiction,
Oh the way I feel for you.

So complicated, I'm so frustrated.
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay. 
Should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel. 
Oh, I want you to know.
But then again I don't.  It's so complicated.

Oh..just when I think I'm under control.
I think I got a grip.
Another friend tells me that, I'm always on your lips.
They say I'm more than just a friend, they say I must be blind.
Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me from the corner of your eye.
Oh, It's so confusing. I wish you'd just confess. 
But think of what I'd
be losin', if your answer isn't yes.

So complicated I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel.
Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't, It's so complicated.

Oh, I hate it. 'Cuz I've waited.
So long for someone like you
Oh, what do I do.
Oh should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel.
I want you to know,but then again I don't.
It's so complicated..
It's so complicated..
It's so complicated.
Ohh..

only read this if you really care about what's going on in my life... i guess no one will be reading this...

red text today...red can mean two things to me....anger...or love...hmm...think of what it means to me today......

well today was interesting to say the least....i'm not feeling loved really...i don't know why...i think part of it has to do with the fact that heather is spending the week...(she's hilary's roommate for next year)...and hilary was kinda ignoring me whenever i went to talk to her...like i was just her annoying little sister...annoying high school sister...it makes me mad...because when we spend time together just me and her...we're best friends...but when she gets around her friends its like she hates me or something...grr!!!  that's my greatest pet peev...when people act differently around other people...let me know if i do that ok??? cause i hate it.

lets see...now blue...

tomorrow and thursday are going to be boring...and pointless...tomorrow i have the rest of my chem final...which i thought the first part was easy so the second part should be too...hopefully....that's the only final i have....thursday is going to be really dumb...i have to write this thing in English...proly just a class review or something....so yeah that'll be dumb.

i set up the old computer in my room today...that way i can type up my feelings and thoughts w/o having to come on to this computer....and i can save it on my computer w/o my family finding it...yeah if i write something important or i feel i need to share i'll rewrite it on here...but this way i can just type and type in the comfort of my bed...yes that shall be nice.

i'm really not looking forward to this summer...at all...no driving...this sucks seriously really really bad...and therefore i'll probably be able to do nothing....lets hope that July 27th comes fast....count down....1 month and 27 days....wow it seems like so long...but hey i've got one month under my belt...now lets hope i won't faint in that 1 month and 27 days....oh dear God i better not! that would seriously completely ruin everything.

so i really hate this...my emotions have been like a rollarcoaster and it doesn't help that i like a guy that i absolutely cannot like...AAHHH...i just want to be like i was at the beginning of the year...this 2nd sememster has been the crappiest year of school yet...hopefully this summer will be better....hopefully

Well this weekend has been..yeah interesting.

Friday night.....came home from school...played volleyball with hilary...that was fun...waited for erin and johanna to get home...had to work at 7...they came just as i was getting in the car to leave.  came home at 11. work was alright not the best but oh well...come to think of it i don't even remember who was my bagger or anything...hmm...interesting...oh yes now i remember...how could i forget..it was nate...he was really really hyper which was good b/c i haven't seen him in a good mood in a long time...:-)...then i came home...everyone was still up...we talked about when we were little and when we used to play barbies and stuff like that..it was great...we were laughing so hard...just like old times.

Saturday...got up and went to Wal Mart with Erin...she's crocheting me a back pack so we had to get the yarn....then came home and my family was doing yard work so erin and i helped...stayed outside until i started getting light headed and dizzy so i came inside and laid down..my mom thinks i get dizzy and shakey because of pineapple...everytime i shake it seems like i have pineapple...so we'll see about that.  Then that night peter came...we played games as a family...and then had birthday cake and ice cream for my mom's birthday...opened presents...had a fire..that was fun....

Yesterday (Sunday)....church at 1030...out to eat at Red Lobster...yuck i hate seafood so i had chicken....then came home and had to go to work 2-6...express for 3 hours...break at 5 when it was supposed to be at 4 so then i came back and i was on 9...which sucked because express and 9 are the two busiest lanes in the store...and they're right next to liquor and i can't scan alcohol...so yeah that was annoying.  came home and mom was dying johanna's hair...she left to hang out with friends and then mom dyed erin's hair and hilary and i did a face mask...it was green...that felt good.  sat around and basically did nothing until Johanna got home at 1130...then played Take Two with the whole family and went to bed.

Today...erin, johanna, mom, and dad went down to platteville to move erin into her new house...so hilary and i are home...got up at 930 to say good bye...since then hilary and i have done absoultely NOTHING...infact i just got out of the shower...crazi i know but i haven't had a day to just be lazy and do nothing for a long time...and i won't be able to for a couple weeks because next week i have to be at church at 830 every morning....for VBS...so yeah.  Hilary and I are going to play some volleyball outside when i'm done here i think...who knows.

well yeah...that's basically my weekend...i know i wrote a lot...but oh well...

have a good last week of school y'all!

well a lot has happened in the past month...but its not worth writing about...so i'll just write about today...like i've been writing everyday in the past month and y'all know what's going on in my life.

well today was alright...last night i went to bed at like 11 or so...i'm such a procrastinator...i started on my german project at 1030 and it was due today...oh well...i finished and its pretty good if you ask me...only a 2 page report on a famous person from Germany...mendelssohn...i always choose composers for my biographies....oh well i guess its because i like orchestra and music...  ooo...speaking of orchestra and composing...we had to write a 8 measure piece by tomorrow...i finished mine...i love composing music.  i don't like playing it for people..but i love sitting there and just playing any note...and seeing what sounds good...only problem is i don't remember what i play.  i need a thing where it copies what you play and puts it on staff paper...wouldn't that be wicked sweet?? lol

wow...i'm really hyper...I'M SO GLAD! ok that may sound really weird...but the past month and half or so i haven't really felt like myself...i dont' know why or when it started but i just haven't.  but yesterday and today i've felt like me again...i think it all started yesterday at the track meet..i was talking to mike strausburg (sven) and i just felt good...like all the cares in the world were gone..you have no idea how good it feels to be this content right now!!! oh wow..i think i know what else may have caused this sudden change in feeling...the weather...yesterday and today it was really sunny and no clouds!!! YAY FOR SUMMER WEATHER!

wow as i'm trying to type this...so many people are talking to me online...rachel, nate, jade and alicia...i feel loved...exactly what i need right now...oh and you should be proud of me...everything has stayed down since friday night...the last time it didn't was friday...and 3 times daily every day....WOOOHOO!! go me!!

yeah...so i think i'm done here...ooo nvm...my bad...today after school...took my blanket outside...laid it on the grass...took my homework and cd player and did my homework in the sun...hopefully i got some color...315-445...maybe i did...i can't really tell oh well...we'll see.

well i'm done now...LOVE YOU! good night